Hello dear readers,
I think congratulations are in order – at least if you live in Northern Europe. Because we survived the winter weather April threw at us this year! Oh boy was it cold and wet these past few weeks. But the skies are looking brighter, and my weather forecast is too so that’s a win!
I realise now, I always seem to start these letters with comments on the weather or the season. I guess it’s just the first thing that comes to mind when I sit down to start writing…I look out my window and reflect on how the past month has been, which themes have been on my mind, and what I feel would be of value to share in a letter, and for some reason, the weather always plays quite a large role in that.
And with April being wet and cold over here, I have spent a lot of time inside, pottering about the house, reading, and reflecting – and something that has been on my mind quite a bit all throughout is the question of whether you are sliding through life, or deciding your life. And my thoughts on this question, are what I want to unpack with you today.
Thanks for tuning in!
Love,
Charlie
I recently read the book ‘Quarterlife’ by psychologist Satya Doyle Byock. She writes about the period between your 20’s and mid 30’s, when you start figuring out who you are and where you want life to take you, and presents her theory as to why many quarterlifers struggle with this and what they need to find balance and direction.
Throughout her book, there is one metaphor she uses, which really resonated with me.
And that’s the metaphor of the conveyor belt of life.
The typical school, university, work, relationship, marriage, house, children, check list, which unconsciously drives many people’s actions and timelines. A conveyor belt that people jump on without even realising, and that once on it, makes it seem pretty difficult to get back off.
Byock describes this as follows:
“Since academia has extended the length of structured, external development well into people’s twenties, the concept of living guided by instincts has become undervalued and is now just viewed as aimless wandering. Many quarterlifers feel that they are on a moving sidewalk of life, a path that is so predetermined in its journey – high school, college, degree, job – that it carries each person along with it, with or without conscious consent or interest. Even when there are massive disruptions, the next goal is likely to scramble to ‘get back on track’.”
Essentially, she argues that we go through life with an ingrained blueprint of the path we should be following, and the milestones we should reach. A path that is shaped by our upbringing as well as by society, in the way we value and define success. This path is what defines our internal expectations and weighs into our decision making in what we should study, where we should work, and what next steps we should take as we navigate through life in our early adult years.
But, just like Byock describes, it is something we often do unconsciously and without consent. Meaning, we get on that conveyor belt, because that’s just what people do. It’s what’s expected of us, and as people with an inherent need to be socially desirable, drifting along with the rest of the crowd, is easier than swimming against the current. And so, many of us find ourselves sliding through life, rather than deciding our life.
And who can blame us? For most, the system we live in up until our mid 20’s is usually completely geared towards achieving and succeeding at an end goal, rather than thinking about what that end goal should be for you in the first place.
I mean think about it…
What was your main goal when in high school? Other than surviving the ups and downs puberty threw at you, it was probably getting good grades in order to get into a desirable study program.
And at university? Besides having fun during your student life, it was probably to get a good diploma & complete some internships, all to ensure you can secure a decent job once graduated.
And now you are in that job, and most likely you are either working towards a promotion, or if not, looking for a new job…because the conveyor belt keeps moving, and we have to keep up!
Yes, this is a bit of a simplification and over exaggeration, but if we seriously take a moment to reflect on our journeys so far, then we will probably realise that the biggest drivers up until our mid 20’s have been to achieve certain goals or reach certain milestones, so that we can keep sliding forward along that path of life.
I mean, did you ever stop along the way to question whether or not the goals you (and everyone else) are working towards are actually things you want to achieve?
Of course, we will all do a fair bit of sliding through life, because most of us want to keep up with the norm, and there is nothing wrong with that.
But I do think we can slide and decide at the same time. We can follow the normal trajectory of life, while also making conscious decisions on what we want to do and how we want to live, that are based on a foundation of self-knowledge, understanding, and respect for who we truly are.
And this is a skill we need to start teaching our young adults today. Because although performance and success are important, it’s not worth much if it only leads us to slide, and not decide.
So, what do you think?
Have you been sliding or deciding?
And if you have mainly been sliding – what do you need to start deciding too?
I am curious to hear - and as always, if you want to talk through any of this, I’m all ears.
This recipe is something I threw together for lunch today. It’s fresh, easy and perfect for a quick lunch or light summery evening meal.
A goat’s cheese, fig and chili honey tart.
Serves 2- 3 people.
You will need:
4 figs
100g of soft goat’s cheese
1 tbsp of olive oil
1 red chili
3 tbsp of honey, agave or maple syrup
1 pre-made role of quiche or tart dough
A Pinch of salt
A Pinch of pepper
A teaspoon of butter.
How to make:
Preheat your oven to 190 degrees Celsius.
In a food processer, blend together your goat’s cheese, olive oil, 1 tbsp of honey, salt and pepper until you get a thick and creamy consistency. Set aside.
Wash and cut your figs into half a cm thick slice.
Wash and cut your chili into thin slices.
Roll out your dough and put it on a lined baking tray.
Spread out your goat’s cheese mixture in a relatively thick and even layer across the dough, leaving about 2cm free from the edges.
Top it with your fig slices, leaving about 3-4cm free on the edges of the dough.
Sprinkle on about half of the chili slices.
Take the edges of the dough and fold them over, so that they just start to cover the first edge of the figs. This will create a small crust around your tart.
Pop into the oven and bake for 15 – 20 minutes.
In the meantime, put a small pan on a low flame. Add in a teaspoon of butter and once melted add in your remaining chili slices. Let the chili infuse into the butter for about 1-2 minutes.
Once the chili is heated through, add in the remainder of the honey. Leave it on a low heat to infuse for about 5 minutes.
Once ready, take the tart out of the oven and drizzle it with the hot chili honey.
Serve and enjoy with a fresh green salad on the side.